how has it come to this

I promised myself I'll do whatever it takes. WHATEVER.
But it has come to this, and though I'm afraid to, I will do it anyway.
This is the start.

But if I drown and can't seem to find my way back, please pull me out of the water. Because seriously, after this, I don't know if i'll be able to come back to my senses, and snap out of it.

So help me God.