J

I have something new in my life. So new in fact, that the last time I had something like this was, let's say, never. You can't count what happened in grade school, we were kids, we played hide and seek; hid in the bushes, sought for our identities. Chos.

To finally knowing what love feels like on both sides. To give love, and have it returned a hundred fold. For knowing that it is not only you having butterflies, rainbows and unicorns. For knowing, and feeling that all this isn't just in your mind. It's real.

To finally having someone who wants to make you happy. To having someone who works hard to make you happier everyday, to exceeding expectations, and to simply be happy because of this person's existence.

To looking forward to the weeks, months, years, to a lifetime of all this "realness". To the plans we're making, and to the direction where we're taking "us" to. To whatever will happen, to however we get through things, to the tomorrow that we're never really sure of. It's comforting to know that despite all these uncertainties, right now, you're the only thing I'm sure of. Sabi nga ni Blaire Waldorf (pahiram muna te) "I'm in. I'm all in."

Barely a week, or a month, and I still haven't gotten the hang of it. I've been in a relationship with myself for too long, that having another physical human entity exist with you is so surreal. We are moving too fast. And I think partly because there is a deadline. 

But I am so in love, it is sickeningly mushy and disgustingly cheesy. I usually gawk at couples who can't keep their hands off each other in public places, but (I can't believe I'm saying this) I understand them now. Like you said, the world blacks out, and the only thing you see is me. And everytime you look at me, you look at me like I'm some scientific formula that only you have discovered, except that you look at me lovingly. Argh, I seriously haven't gotten the hang of it, so I'm sorry if I can't spoonfeed you without cringing under my dress, or if I distract myself with something else just so I can stop myself from stealing a kiss from you. I cannot help myself everytime I'm with you. I want to help myself with you. 

I know this is all too fast, but whatever, I love you J. I really do. 

Better

That didn't all happen in just one night. I didn't notice things getting better for me. I'm much happier now, I think. I feel that things are going up from here, nothing to worry about, just keeping myself happy for the days to come. 

Tanah Lot, Bali

Underground River, Puerto Princesa Palawan

And, just many other things that's has been making me smile lately. :)

Yay!

MUSIKAL!

The Cultural Center of the Philippines is celebrating its 45th year with "MUSIKAL" featuring box office, critically acclaimed original Filipino musicals during the last five years. It will be directed by CCP Vice President and Artistic Director Chris Millado, under the musical direction and arrangement of Jed Balsamo (Sandosena's musical director!), accompanied by the Philharmonic Orchestra lead by Gerard Salonga.

THIS SHOW IS GOING TO BE MAGICAL. All your favorite musicals and theater artists, the brilliance of Philharmonic Orchestra, all in one show.

And I will be part of this. SO. STOKED. Batang Rizal will also be part of this, together with Sandosenang Sapatos and Bluebird of Trumpets under the Children's Musical Theater Category.

Last night at the Tech-Dress Rehearsals, I was so amazed, so star struck to share the stage with some of my favorite theater artists and to see my favorite musicals once more!

PETA's CAREDIVAS!

I envy those who have lots of quick changes for this show because they are involved in several productions. That should be my goal. To be part of as many productions as possible in the next 5 years. Check that, Timee.

MAXIE The Musical!

 

SA WAKAS

ZSAZSA ZATURNNAH ZE MUZIKAL

We'll be playing the zombies for the Zsa Zsa Zaturnnah number, with the song "Multo ng Nakaraan", one of my faaaavorite songs from the musical!! Such an honor to be a zombie!

But the real bad asses (for me) are the guys from Ballet Philippines. They are so cool. They'll be performing excerpts from "[Rock] Supremo" serenaded by Mr. Ebe Dancel himself, and "Ramahari" with Karylle and OJ Mariano.

[ROCK] SUPREMO

RAMAHARI

I've never seen a Ballet Philippines production, but these guys are bad asses, just watching them from the backstage. *creep* I wish I was a ballerina. The ballet guys (what do you call male ballerinas anyway?) are hot too. I should go see more of their shows. I should have more ballerina friends. I should be a ballerina.

So anyway, I was telling a friend how worried I was because this was my first CCP Main Theater performance, and I was thinking of all the possible ways I could screw this up, and how I should prove that I deserve to share the stage with the other big theater artists, or to even be on the very same stage Wicked and Phantom of the Opera has performed in. He wasn't a theater person, so he put it in basketball terms, in light of Gilas' win last night "Alam mo, sa basketball, wala namang pinagkaiba kung sa araneta ka o sa madison square garden ka naglalaro" 

A reminder that we are all on the same stage because of one reason; theater. #WeLoveOurJobs

So please just shut up, call CCP and buy a ticket. Bring your family, your friends, your ka-Tinder to this once in a lifetime performance. (Well twice, Sept 5 and 6) Whatever. Just go see this.

See you!

Misplaced

I am supposed to be overjoyed and jittery by now. In a few days, we officially open. My heart should be pounding with fear of falling off my blades, of not being able to do the turns and that jump. By now I should be ecstatic; I will be performing in that theater, where many legends from this industry have before me, where many legends started out the way I did, in that small space.

I am not ungrateful, though sometimes I think I am, and I sometimes hate myself for it. But I am thankful, overjoyed, fearful and ecstatic. I am all of these things, but there's more.

I know that my friends won't be able to share this big life event with me. First, I don't expect them to actually push through because the shows are sold out. After I found out about this, and the fancy tickets sold to the audience, I no longer prodded them to watch, as I have with my other shows. I don't usually message everyone to come see my shows, go out of my way to find complimentary tickets for them just to get their asses up to watch. I know the true friends will come see it, spend time and money for it, without me asking them to. But this one is different. This is my biggest production to date, and if there's one show I want everyone to see, it's this one. But because of the circumstances, I've accepted it already. I will just let this one go, let this big life event fleet by, without any of my loved ones watching it.

But I am severely touched by the friends who have actually contacted the producers for tickets, without me telling them to. Thank you. And just by that much, I feel your love. Thank you.

Maybe, I just feel more alone this time, going through all of this, alone. There are so much more feelings that came with me in this production, the usual set; self-esteem issues, insecurities, etc. All inside of my head. I know this is just in my mind, that I am to blame for whatever I am thinking or feeling. But there is added injury to the feeling of being left behind, of being forgotten.

Hayaan niyo nalang ako magtampo, dahil may karapatan ako sa mga damdamin ko. Hindi ko na susubukang ipadama sa ibang tao dahil ako lang naman ang may pakana nito, kaya ako na lamang ang dadanas nito. Pagkatapos ng lahat ng ito, papakawalan ko na lamang ito sa uniberso, ibabaon sa limot, gaya ng pagkalimot niyo sa akin. 

There, glad I got that out.

Sandosenang Sapatos

Here we go!

Sandosenang Sapatos runs from August 27-31, 2014 at the Tanghalang Huseng Batute, CCP. Contact Richard Nollen 09275111319 for tickets! 

Finding happiness in the wrong places

I'm just going to say it. I've been unhappy discontented for the past few months.

Maybe it's because I've taken an indefinite leave from what used to be my life goals and dreams. What do you do when your dreams don't feel like dreams anymore? When they now feel more like a chore you have to get over with just so you can have Ph.D attached to your name? When the thing you want most, does not necessarily equate to being happy? What then is the point of the dream?

Maybe it's because I've taken the road with no direction. Where am I now was never part of my life plans. In fact, I swore to myself I would never consider this path, not even for the money. But I've stuck it out for a year, behind a desk, in an 8-5 job succumbing to the "luxury" that this institution compensates me with. I am far from being a self-made woman, but I can say that I am much more financially comfortable than I was in my previous career. But what can money, something so temporary and dispensable, do for the intangible soul? It's an endless cycle, if you think money can buy happiness. Money buys you everything you want, but you'll want more, and there is always more than you cannot have. There is no finish line in this route.

Maybe it's because I AM living the dream, it just feels like I'm still working for it. The 5 years ago ME would have killed the ME now for saying this. 5 years ago, being part of this production and working for this company, was such a far-fetched dream. Today I am counting down to 6 more days before opening night, slightly less ecstatic/overwhelmed than what I expected. I am not ungrateful. I am still in disbelief that I am part of this, but right now, I'm too occupied in working on what else needs to be improved, in internalizing and getting myself in the zone, with 6 days before opening night. I am in, but I have to prove that I am good enough for this, that the producers and directors did not make a mistake with me, that my cast mates can rely on me, that I don't shame the company by being a mediocre performer, by putting on a good show for everyone. I am in, I made it; but the worth of "achieving the dream" is in how you "live the dream".

Maybe it's because, I don't know how else to say this; I am never alone, but I feel more lonely now. I know my friends are a message away, some are just 2 doors away from my desk, but lately, I haven't had time. I whatsapp them or see them, only to tell them I can't come to the sleepover or to meet up for late lunch because I have work or rehearsals. The other day we didn't have rehearsals, I had to do errands so I got off from work early. I decided to meet up with a friend, thinking I needed some social life in between, only to be drugged down by my anti-histamine over dinner and falling asleep while being driven home. I haven't even caught up with my siblings to ask them about school, ask my parents how they are, or how have lolo and lola been since I left. There's just enough time for work, rehearsals, and sleep. And I have come to point where I'd rather choose to sleep than go out to drink (I'll feel sleepy on my first drink), watch a movie (I've fallen asleep in the last 2 movies I've seen), go to sleepovers (where the actual sleeping is only 1/8 of the time), or travel (5 hour bus ride to the beach or 5 hours of sleep? You get the idea.) Sleeping, in my case, is such an "unrest". How timely and appropriate that the opening song of the production is entitled "Sa Panaginip Lang Ako Minamahal" 

But then again, these are the wrong places to look for happiness.

4 Buffets in 1 Month

That's how much I've been eating these past few weeks. Indirectly proportional to the amount of workout I've been doing.


Ding Qua Qua Dimsum
(June 24, 2014)

Yes. P288 only. 

A trip to Cebu is never, let me just reiterate that, NEVER complete without dimsum. I was born and raised in Cebu, and every Sunday we would have lunch in Harbour City in SM. I'd look forward to the steamed rice, fried shrimp balls, and quail egg siomai; those were my staples. My dad would chow down on chicken feet, and I never understood why it was appealing until just recently when I tried them at Causeway.

But Cebu dimsum is far from Causeway (sorrynotsorry). I don't understand how steamed rice could be so addictive (probably loaded with MSG but #idontcare) and magical. There is only one kind of steamed rice for me, and if you'd serve me the literal 'steamed' rice, it would be unacceptable. I never knew what this wonderful bowl of msg and carbs was made of, but it's pork, chicken and shrimp smothered in their secret, special, wonderful sauce. I've been to many dimsums in Manila and they don't serve this. Only in Cebu. (Until just recently when a branch of theirs, Dimsum Break, opened in SM North Edsa, making me the happiest dimsum girl in the metro)

My next favorite is their fried shrimp balls in sweet and sour sauce. It really sounds like a simple dish, but there's a disturbingly heavenly divine intervention in every bite. 

The photos aren't mine because I was too excited to dig in everything, I forgot to take photos. There were other dishes as well, several kinds of siomai, your usual buchi, kropek, that siopao bread, and other popular chinese dishes (noodles and stuff) to complete your dimsum experience. Ding Qua Qua is not your typical huge buffet, but trust me, load up on the steamed rice, siomai, and shrimp balls, maybe chicken feet too, and you're in dimsum heaven for just P288. 

When you're in Cebu, go visit Ding Qua Qua at JY Square in Lahug.


Mikado Japanese 
(June 28, 2014)

If there's one type of cuisine I swear I could eat everyday, it would have to be Japanese. And finding cheap Japanese restaurants/buffets aren't easy. Thank God for Mikado Japanese Restaurant in Cebu. We're loving Cebu already. Yes po. P380 for lunch and P470 for dinner. Again, these aren't my photos because I was too busy filling my plate from this pile of happiness.

Pile of happiness.

My second plate. 

The restaurant has a simple set up, not much frou frou Japanese keme, but really, who needs Japanese keme when you're there for the food. They have other dishes like your katsus and dons, etc. Didn't really bother with the meat because I was there for the sushi, sashimi, tempura and sukiyaki.

Mikado is located at Archbishop Reyes Ave., Cebu City

Sambokojin
(July 14, 2014)

I can eat Japanese food everyday. I mean it.

We all know Sambokojin, so I will not dwell on the food. It's probably the cheapest Japanese (and Korean) buffet in the metro, so if you're craving for just sushi, sashimi and tempura (nope, no sukiyaki), go for it.

Not much on their desserts bar, but this, too, is my staple at Sambokojin.
Green tea and strawberry ice cream with baby marshmallows and sprinkly winklies.
Just the right amount of #GV. 

We were there a few weeks ago for Denise's despedida dinner, who is going to the US for graduate school. Good food, good company, crazy kwentos. Please celebrate your birthday in Sambokojin. I don't know if they have that free birthday buffet for the celebrant thing like they do in Vikings and Buffet 101, but you're in for a real surprise with Sambo. Literally. The waiters screamed at the celebrant "SURPRISE!!" Screamed. Shouted. And please act like you're dying of shock para sila naman ma surprise. Haha

With former co-workers at Britesparks.

Banzai: The Great Teppanyaki Theater
(July 25, 2014)

I can eat Japanese food everyday.

First thing's first, I'm the realesssst.

We happened to be in the area, and we decided to try out Banzai. If you're looking for legit Japanese food in the metro, this is it. You would know how seriously dedicated they are to their pagiging legit because of their Japenese keme interiors and the spectacular performance by the geishas, ninjas, and even the chefs. Please do watch the chefs. You're in for a surprise from them at the finale (hint: something exploding haha)

This place screams "we take Japanese food seriously" just like Sarah, seriously picking out from the variety of Japanese pancakes. Aside from my usual sushi, sashimi, tempura (still no sukiyaki huhu), I tried out other dishes that looked interesting, like the Chicken Teriyaki Pizza. There's also lasagna, pasta dishes, salads, katsus and dons, etc. The dessert bar was also full of interesting cakes and sweets. I just settled with vanilla ice cream and lemon squares.

My usual loot. 

Please do watch out for the performances. The costumes are really nice. Their belts are made out of colorful bubble wraps, they have big ass swords and they do their make up really well. They deserve the attention, so put your chopsticks down and instagram that shit. 

Ninja. 

Geishas. 

Banzai is located in the Mall of Asia Complex, Pasay City. We highly recommend it, it's the best we've had so far. Make sure you call in early for reservations because by the time we were done, there was a long line of people waiting to get in.


My next buffet will probably be in a year, when I've done all the workout I ought to do. Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries.

Boredom

I've said it for the past few months, and I'll say it again. 

I am so bored. 

I don't understand how someone like me can be so bored. I remember saying that since April this year, and so far, these are the things that have happened over the past few months:

Our yearly thing with the biggest barkada ever: Timee & Gar Boracay 2014

I went home to Iloilo twice. 

Philippine Fashion Week.

Months of TONTWO rehearsals.

TONTWO: Making it. Moving on. 

Moving on from whatever feud and issues during Tontwo. :)

Went to Cebu for work. Yes, work. 

But had some family time in between work in Cebu <3 td="">

Sandosenang Sapatos rehearsals. 

In my standards, that's not enough ganaps in the span of 4 months. What busy meant to me was 2-3 productions rolling in at the same time, work, papers and exams for gradschool (which I have taken a leave from). Sleep and rest were a luxury, and even sometimes finding the time to eat was such a task. 

But now there's just so much time. Aside from binge watching Game of Thrones, I've started reading up some of the books I've put aside last year (but really, reading just puts me to sleep). I have also been eating a lot, which is indirectly proportional to the amount of times I've been working out. Oh, and other things I do not need to elaborate on. The things I've done these past few months to keep myself amused, I may not be proud of it, but I was bored, and those things were fun. So I did. Ho Ho ho. 

And then, there's thinking. There's also so much time to overthink about what I've done so far with my life, and ending up with the realization that I am lost. I have lost the direction in which I was so sure of a few years ago. I've let go of some dreams because I've simply lost interest in them. Is that even possible? It's not giving up, is it? It's just that I don't think these dreams aren't my dreams anymore, and they've lost appeal to me. Now I feel like I'm stuck in the now, without any idea of what I want to happen to me in the next few years. I honestly have no idea what to do next. The future scares me. It's like having a deck of cards that totally don't make sense. 

Ever since, I've always been so pumped about the future; getting myself into gradschool right after college, making a timeline of my life till 2020, eliminating all the distractions just to get my head in the game. I was always sure that I wanted to write a children's book, put up my own school, start a theater company for children with special needs, travel, etc. But since I've quit teaching, I have lost interest in these plans, and now I have none. No plans. 

I think I am bored because there's nothing really to do, for the future, I mean. Nothing to prepare for, nothing to study hard for, nothing to work hard for (I intend on finding a rich old man to marry so I can perhaps inherit his wealth away from his legitimate children. Harhar), nothing to look forward to in the long term. I have these productions lined up, a trip to Bali on my birthday, (oh shit that's it) to look forward to---- but these things are only good for the next few months. 2015 is a blur. Might probably start applying for gradschools abroad, but applications don't start till late this year. Marvin, our manghuhula friend says I'll get pregnant in 2016 if I can't avoid it, eh, that's easy. 

Maybe I've been so all worked out for the future, that I have forgotten what 'living in the now' meant. Enjoying what is happening now, without worrying about tomorrow. To stop planning, and just let things happen just as they are. Shit's scary, but whatever. This is all so cliche. 

Is this quarter life crisis? Damnit I need a drink.

Sandosenang Sapatos

I got in. 

It was all just a dream; to be part of a Tanghalang Pilipino production. Thank You. I put myself through auditions everytime, expecting not to get any part, but only to improve myself in going through these auditions. And each time I pass, I am just thankful. Thankful for another chance to be onstage where I truly feel at home. :)

Poster from the first run of Sandosenang Sapatos with the original cast, the Tanghalang Pilipino Actors Company.

This will be the production's 3rd run since it opened last July 2013 and its second run last December. Another round of auditions was held for this run, and also for another important run soon! (Can't spill! Don't want to jinx anything! hihi)

New cast of Sandosenang Sapatos with Director Tuxqs Rotaquio

Two months into the rehearsals, and I must say that I've grown comfortable moving about in blades. A few more twists and stunts to learn, and then we're good to go.

We have been to music rehearsals in between choreo and blading classes too. Some of the songs aren't for the faint hearted. Better bring a box of Kleenex when you watch the play. We might need some for ourselves in the backstage too.

We have 4 weeks left till the shows. I cannot wait for all of you to see it. :)

Don't Get Too Attached

Don't get too attached because everything is just fleeting; a moment, a sensation, a kiss. It happens, and all at once, it fades into a memory. Everything I have of you is now, and will just be a memory to me. And memories are a constant struggle of holding on and letting go. And these memories, emotions latching onto them, tear you apart, knowing that though the feeling is real, the moment is forever gone. There is a danger in being too attached; you either get too attached to the memory, or too attached to the feeling.

But tonight, whatever emotions we encounter, I promise you, we are making memories. Why plan a memory? Because nobody can ever take memories away from you. Nobody will tell us not to go through it, to rethink things through, to avoid going down that road because memories have already passed. Memories don't undo themselves. They exist because of the temporariness of things. Don't get too attached to a memory you are not willing to make. Because when everything is fleeting apart from you, memories are the only thing you can hold on to.

NP

One step closer to the dream

Last Monday I received great news. I can't reveal anything yet, but I hope I get in. I will do everything in my power to make it work. If I have to let go of a few things just to have a taste of what it's like to be on that stage, I will gladly do so. Lord, if it's for me, if it's time, please give it to me and I will accept all of it. I want this so bad. I don't know how other people make it seem so easy, but for people like me who don't have it all (the leading lady stereotype with the Disney princess singing voice and superb acting experience), this is a long shot, and a chance like that happens to the ugliest of Cinderellas who only dream of that perfect opening night.

I do not ask for fame or fortune, I ask that I get this one shot and my dream will come true. Please? :)

SWEET BALI HIGH

At 12am on Valentine's Day, I could not sleep. So I went online, and found that Cebu Pacific was on sale. All flights at 1.43 (base fare). I thought, this was perfect for me. I really wanted to go on a trip, alone, for my birthday. I've been wanting to do so since 2011, asked my dad if I could go to Coron alone and he didn't like the idea of me being all alone, period.

I tried booking a trip to Japan, but it did not feel right. I booked random trips to countries like Brunei, Thailand, Cambodia, but it felt like these were the trips I needed to take with friends and family.

Then I saw it.

It was going to be no other than Bali. 

Travel alone. Check.

Go to Bali. Check.

Do a lot of things in a foreign country all alone. Check check check.

I've been obsessed with Bali for the past few days since I booked the trip; been reading up a lot on where to go, what to do, what to eat. I'm worried 3 days won't be enough, I want to exhaust the entire time making meaningful things as I turn 25 this November. 

So please help me fix my itinerary. The last time I made one for our trip in Kota Kinabalu, we didn't follow it. We went to the mall, bought wigs, watched a movie, got a haircut; stuff we could have done at home. I just want this trip to be perfect. So make me less obsessed and help me out.

Here's what I got so far:

DAY 1 (November 8) 

- Arrival 12nn

- Check in hotel

- Go around Denpasar, Kuta and Seminyak

- Party, shop, drink, whatever

DAY 2 (November 9)

- Ubud trip (I will get a tour guide for this one.)

DAY 3 (November 10)

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

- Yoga at 8am

- Spa treatments all morning

- Beach all afternoon in Seminyak

DAY 4 (November 11)

- Departure from Bali

I only plan to visit these places. I'm so tempted to rebook my flights (get an earlier one, or leave a few days later) just to extend my stay. I'm already falling in love with Bali (or obsessed), I feel like I will be doing this trip every year. Go to Bali. Every. Year. 

And believe it or not, I HAVE NOT SEEN EAT. PRAY. LOVE. But I plan to do so. All in Bali. 

I am so excited I just can't hide it.