I'm reading

I'm reading.

I haven't read a book in over a year. I used to read when I was a kid. Sweet valley. Babysitters Club. The classics. We used to swap books with my friends, talk about how our lives are like Wakefields'. Reading was a thing.

I lost it when I had found other things to do with my time during puberty years; malling with my friends, texting my first boyfriend using my mother's cellphone and erasing the messages right after (I was 12), discovering the internet. After grade school, the next book I read was Dan Brown's Angels and Demons when I was in 3rd year high school because my mother told me it was a good read. Then I read Alice Sebold's "The Lovely Bones" in 4th year because my friend Pinky said it was good, and I needed something good for my book report. I'm glad I read it before the movie came out, still, the movie was just as good as the book.

I can count the books I've read for the past 10 years starting with Angels and Demons. That's how out of it I am with reading. I did try. I read Harry Potter from books 1-4 religiously. When the 5th book came out, I was in college, and I had lost all hope for the series because Cedric Diggory died. and became a vampire. I tried but I could not finish or get past the first 3 chapters. I would always have readings, and papers to do. Or I would say, "okay, I'll start on a book, as soon as I finish my readings" which I never got to till its deadline. When I would meet up with friends, I always tell them to meet me in a book store because browsing through the shelves always gives me comfort. I buy books, hoping that guilt will force me into reading. Nada. I also wrote in my overrated NY resolution to read at least 50 books for the year. It's October. 2 down, 48 to go.

It's only recently that ebooks have come out, and I've been all nega about it, saying that I prefer the real thing and reading from the tablet/laptop will only cause eye strain.

Eating my own words now. I finished 50 Shades Darker (I know. I know) in less than a week, reading from my phone. I'm now reading Catching Fire, and have several books lined up for when I'm done with it. I'm pretty proud of this, that's why I had to blog it. Maybe it will inspire me to start on my NY resolution slash life long dream no. 3 which is to write my own children's story book. Oh, and thank you sembreak for allowing me this opportunity. I have been swamped with too much psychology articles and journals, my imagination needs some oiling up.

I've been writing too. I've been working on a play I've been planning to write for a long time, I just needed inspiration.

Reading and writing. I guess that's what heartbreak does to you. haha

add me on goodreads.com/timeepatrol

Break

"You are emotionally drained and exhausted. You need to take a break." My manghuhula friend tells me. I knew exactly what he was taking about.

I love Demi Lovato's "Give Your Heart A Break". It used to be my song for someone, but since he didn't let me, I decided to give mine a break. 

I'm accepting it; my heart is overly dependent. It will love anyone, "kahit ipis mamahalin natin" my writing mentor would say.  "Bukas ang tindahan natin sa kung sino man ang gustong kumain!" she goes on. We're that kind of people. That's why I think it's hard keeping ourselves from liking someone, because we like everyone, and we think everyone deserves the kind of love that we give. But not everyone is accepting of that love, and having to learn it over and over again, still, we continue to love. We never get tired of it even if we get hurt again and again, because what's even more terrifying than not being loved back, is the thought of not loving at all. 

"What am I going to do for the next few months???" I told my friends while bawling my eyes out over the phone, a few days after that heartbreak. I seriously did not know what to do, or what will happen next. It felt like there was nothing more and I could never love anyone again. I was that depressed and pathetic. Haha. But few months later, I found a crush (I decided to take it slow this time), but to cut the story short, my crush didn't like me back. I'm not as devastated, or depressed, or pathetic. More like bummed at myself for still having the energy to get back on the field. Because I go through the usual phases after a heartbreak: questioning my existential being and my self-worth, the maybe-i'm-not-pretty-at-all and the i-hate-my-crush-who-does-he-think-he-is phases, like I haven't gone through them before. I get over those phases by finding someone else, and for some reason it never works out, so I go through the heartbreak again. My heart is a fighter, I know, but I think, my brain thinks my heart, this time, seriously needs a break. 

My manghuhula friend goes on, saying that this is the perfect time for me to set my plans straight, and seriously start picking up everything I've been putting off. I had this timeline before, that by 2014, I'd be done with my first masters degree and I'd be off to Australia or Europe to take my second MA degree or my PhD. But look at me, on a sembreak, from my second semester, with roughly 3 more years to go till I complete my degree. I also said that by this time, I would have at least published a children's book. Here's what I made years ago:

I never even started processing my documents for NYU. I haven't found a hot guy to marry.
I am faaar from starting that theater company. 

SCHOOL OF INTERIOR DESIGN. Where/how did that happen. And nope, no license until now. HAHA

This is proof that you just have to let life happen. 

I did not plan on working a desk job, and the several plays I was in for the past 2 years was not in my timeline. I do not regret any because the past 2 years were AWESOME. But now is the perfect time to fill up that application form, pass that toefl test, get things running. No timeline this time; my mantra is to just get things done, and stop putting things off. 

My manghuhula friend advises me to not engage in any relationships while I fix my life, because eventually I'd have to choose, and I will choose love. For people like me, yes, love! But I do not plan on shutting love out of my life, because that's just not who I am. I am on a break to fix my life, but if love happens, I will let it happen.

But for now, let me give time for my life because it has been put on old for too long.