Yuck ang yabang eh no. Truth be told, I haven't been in a socially-labeled relationship in so long, I feel like I'm an expert in labo labo lang relationships. Chos.
That thin line between knowing you're friends, but you do things that 'just friends' don't do, and you don't really know what you're feeling or what he's feeling, and that state of uncertainty is both exciting and perplexing at the same time, you know you're friends, the last time you checked and you overthink and you want to clear it out but you're having fun and you don't want to change any of that so you're like, whatever, i'm freefalling into the unknown, and you don't want to think of what you're doing, what's going to welcome you when you reach the bottom of the pit and what's going to happen, because at that very moment, because every moment makes you happy and that's what's important right? Being happy? And it goes on and on until you realize you're almost down there, and the uncertainty scares you so you try ways to get out of it and save yourself but it's too late. You've forgotten yourself. You've made it everything about this one person, whom you weren't so sure of, what you were or what you both had, but were so sure that this is what you wanted. And what about you? Did he do the freefall with you? Did you jump together? You did this on your own, and yet, it wasn't about you.
I picked myself up. For the past 5 months or so, I picked up the pieces that I let myself scatter all over for something I wasn't and was so sure of. Enough of the unknown. This time I wanted to know for sure where I was going, to be able to do things because I wanted to, and feel things not because of anyone else's feelings, but to feel because these feelings are mine. I wanted to go for my dreams without thinking of how someone else's dreams would fit into my schedule. This is not your fault. No one told me to do these things, but I did because I wanted to. I wanted this. More than anything, I wanted you to be happy.
But I decided it was time to want for my own happiness. It was time for me to go home alone, to get sick and take care of myself, to get a real driving instructor and not hear your voice in my head stressing about the way I get past a hump, to think of getting back to my graduate studies, to quit my job because it was no longer making me grow, to start caring for myself. Because I was never sure if you cared as much as I did for you, so I decided that there was no one better to care for me than myself. It was time. I decided. I'm sorry that it happened that way. And maybe I'm again overthinking all this, but these are my thoughts. I am entitled to them. Let me have them.
And I know we talked, but please don't blame yourself for anything that happened because those months were my happiest. I will never want to take back anything because whatever that was, it was special and I was happy. I will forever be thankful for you.
I'm slowly learning to be 'on my own' now. To go about my life with just me. There will be more moments of me getting extremely angry at you for never asking why, for never asking what happened, more glasses of bubblegum orgy + mountain dew with friends, more ugly crying over ice cream and 'One More Chance' or bitter status posts. If i have to be pathetic, so be it. Just leave me to myself. I want to be okay on my own, without having to "replace" you or displace my feelings with someone I'm trying to convince myself I have a crush on. I want to be okay without pretending that i'm strong and I'm fine because I'm not. Yet. I want to be okay. I'm not sure when, but I know I will be. I will be.
I will be okay. I hope you're doing well. I know you are. :)
Friday, August 2, 2013
Monday, July 29, 2013
When you don't want to let go
Full text here, from Thought Catalog
We ask each other a lot of questions that we know neither of us can answer. Is this working. Can we be better. Is this worth it. I don't know I don't know I don't know.
......
I don't want to give up on these things, even though I listed them in order of priority, just in case we break up before we have time to make it through the whole list. But I want them, I want them, I want them. I feel entitled to them, for making it through the boring, frozen winter, where entropy stills and we grow rigid, rigid in our ways. We have almost made it to spring, to the thaw, we can shed our coats and insecurities and grudges and just melt into each other.
...
The idea of wasted sacrifice is too much. The thought of having made so much space for you in my busy, complicated life and my damaged psyche to be left with only pain and loneliness and the "lessons" I've learned is too much to accept.
With the return of birds' songs and the blossoming of buds, I cautiously start to hope. I embrace the cliche and cheesy symbolism of the rebirth of all that had been dead, the renewal of life and new chances. Maybe we did it wrong, starting as everything else was ending in chilly November. Maybe we jumped into each other's arms simply for a gulp of air and touch in that season of stillness to assure ourselves that there was still warmth somewhere. But then maybe we can make something of this spring to start anew.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Reasons I Should Stop Liking You
read the full article here
7. You give me reasons to want to be better, but I need to be better for me.
9. My day often revolves around you, when it should revolve around painting and reading and writing and things that I know I truly love.
11. I feel like you're an addition, and that scares me. I don't know how to stop.
12. The cycle keeps starting over and over again, for the past year and a half. I'm insecure enough to get sucked in for those few moments of what feels like happiness.
16. I think you forget how much potential you have. I don't think you realize how badly I want you to work hard for everything you deserve.
18. I sometimes feel empty while I wait for your response. I need something to make me feel full again.
22. It seems like I'm always here, waiting in the wind for you. I think that's why you feel like you're not in danger of losing me. You might be right.
26. I know how unhealthy this is. And it scares me. It scares me more than anything else.
29. You confuse me and I like that you make me feel, but you make me feel for the wrong reasons.
30. You often leave me sleepless, with good and bad intentions.
33. You know all my secrets except for the one where I'm going to keep running back. Because for an instant, every time, I think you'll know how I really feel and I won't have to tell you.
7. You give me reasons to want to be better, but I need to be better for me.
9. My day often revolves around you, when it should revolve around painting and reading and writing and things that I know I truly love.
11. I feel like you're an addition, and that scares me. I don't know how to stop.
12. The cycle keeps starting over and over again, for the past year and a half. I'm insecure enough to get sucked in for those few moments of what feels like happiness.
16. I think you forget how much potential you have. I don't think you realize how badly I want you to work hard for everything you deserve.
18. I sometimes feel empty while I wait for your response. I need something to make me feel full again.
22. It seems like I'm always here, waiting in the wind for you. I think that's why you feel like you're not in danger of losing me. You might be right.
26. I know how unhealthy this is. And it scares me. It scares me more than anything else.
29. You confuse me and I like that you make me feel, but you make me feel for the wrong reasons.
30. You often leave me sleepless, with good and bad intentions.
33. You know all my secrets except for the one where I'm going to keep running back. Because for an instant, every time, I think you'll know how I really feel and I won't have to tell you.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Happy One Week!
And it went by so quickly, it hasn't really sunken in yet.
I haven't been doing actual work yet, because we went to trainings for my first 2 days and the rest of the days were for orientation. I think I smiled too much last week, from being formally introduced to everyone, from listening to funny office stories---- smile too much my cheeks went numb. I can say I've been smiling a lot because all this is making me happy. Genuinely happy. If you saw the look on my face when I finally sat on my own desk--- I know, I know. Don't judge me! I'm not used to being around so much adults in the work place, not used to addressing people formally and not hugging them when you meet them in the hallways, not used to doing so much paperwork throughout the day, though I don't mind because at the end of the day, I would have checked so much on my to do list, the feeling of accomplishment is like getting 10 stars from my teacher.
I think, I grew up a little. :)
It sounds silly and too early to tell if this works for me or not. But this first week definitely blew me away. It all still feels surreal that I am where I am.
Thank YOU. :)
I haven't been doing actual work yet, because we went to trainings for my first 2 days and the rest of the days were for orientation. I think I smiled too much last week, from being formally introduced to everyone, from listening to funny office stories---- smile too much my cheeks went numb. I can say I've been smiling a lot because all this is making me happy. Genuinely happy. If you saw the look on my face when I finally sat on my own desk--- I know, I know. Don't judge me! I'm not used to being around so much adults in the work place, not used to addressing people formally and not hugging them when you meet them in the hallways, not used to doing so much paperwork throughout the day, though I don't mind because at the end of the day, I would have checked so much on my to do list, the feeling of accomplishment is like getting 10 stars from my teacher.
I think, I grew up a little. :)
It sounds silly and too early to tell if this works for me or not. But this first week definitely blew me away. It all still feels surreal that I am where I am.
Thank YOU. :)
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Fairusa Elchibey's Press Con
When I was a kid, I'd wear my mom's blazers and heels, put on lipstick and pretend I'm in my office firing alipins. chos. What I realized over this summer is that I've been a kid for too long now, and while I really do enjoy what I do; wake up early for the kids (read: para kanino ka gumigising chos), teach and play, workout/box/diet, go to rehearsals, sleep late--- and though I really REALLY enjoy and love my current routines, I decided I wanted a new life. I also wanted to move on partial-chos. haha
If I had it my way, I'd drop everything without goodbyes, book a ticket to Azerbaijan and start my life over with a new identity and be Fairusa Elchibey who loves collecting animal teeth. (Don't go searching for her, that's a random name I just came up with from the Azerbaijani baby names site)
MOVING ON
Cheesy ba? Sorry haha. I was hesitant to put this (I wrote this last actually), but then I realized it all started here. There's no one to blame, no one. I was at my happiest, I swear I was. I'm no longer sad that whatever happened is never going to happen again, and a lot of things have changed. I was at my happiest during those months, but I know I can be happier. :)
Just like that. :)
Don't worry, my autograph from back when I was in grade 3 said that the 8 year old Timee was planning to do this in the future---
MOVING OUT
The old condo (aside from having too much memories chos) was wearing me out. It no longer had good energies, and it made me feel worthless chos. No really, I wanted a new home, a new routine, a new environment. Plus, I wanted to pay for the rent on my own. So consider this move as also becoming financially independent. hihi So I dragged my mattress and maletas to a concrete jungle in the middle of the metro. I remember saying I was never going to want to live in that area because of too much traffic, too many buildings and people and not much trees. But here I am, almost a month later, waking up to this view from the 30th floor every morning. So far, I'm loving it.
MAKING THE JUMP
"I need a break from teaching" I told my boss when I handed him my resignation letter. He then says "Do you need a month? a few weeks?" In general, my life needs a break. Though I'll miss the kids, the crying and the screaming, I want a new environment with adults older than 28, with more boys in the workplace (read: malandi haha) and late night hohols (hang out hang out langs) with officemtes ranting about how stressful our work is over a glass of Amaretto Sour. I also remember saying I will never work in the corporate setting, because desk jobs are just the end of me. But it turns out, I want it. For now. I want an Elle-Woods-meets-Miranda-Priestley kind of job, and I've been to interviews here and there, but I think I found the one--- or rather, it found me. Hopefully, this is it.
It will mean that I will have to be on hiatus from certain passions (huhu) for the longer work hours, heavier work loads and the pressure and stress. But it will also mean that I'm going to focus my efforts and energies on this, be better at what I can do employee-of-the-month-levels, and taking a bigger step closer towards my dreams. I made the jump, have you? :)
TIMEE 2.0
Excuse me, I don't mean to boast, but I'M DEYM PROUD of how much I've changed over the past few months. I started 150 lbs, and yesterday's weigh in revealed that I'm 38lbs lighter. I can't post a before and after pic just yet, because I promised I'll only do so when I've reached my goal weight. But I've been making healthier choices; eating fruits instead of ice cream, munching on carrot sticks instead of Cheetos, taking the stairs over the elevator, choosing to walk than take the trike, and drinking 6 liters of water everyday.
You can't tempt me with fries because that's not real potato, it's deep fried and it's loaded with so much calories and msg that makes it addictive. haha You can tell me "Ang sarap sarap kaya kumain!" and believe me, the healthy stuff I've been eating is also just as delicious. But more than anything, I will not and cannot trade the feeling of being lighter, being less tired and having more energy than the usual, and being able to cartwheel (yes, I can) over a slice of cake. A moment on your lips, forever on your hips.
You can't tell me I'm depriving or starving myself, going through this suicidal diet--- I'm not. I'm healthier. I bring around this inhaler that I used to puff at least 6 times a day (the maximum per day is only 2), and ever since, I haven't had a puff in 2-3 months. I am never going to choose a slab of lechon over that.
So if you ask me how I do it, think of your choices. It's easy, really. Dieting is hard. Choosing healthy is easy.
Naks, pwede na akong gumawa ng fitness empire. Char.
I haven't blogged in the past year, my avid fans and readers are dying to know what I have been up to. Just thought this was worthy of a post. :)
MOVING ON
Cheesy ba? Sorry haha. I was hesitant to put this (I wrote this last actually), but then I realized it all started here. There's no one to blame, no one. I was at my happiest, I swear I was. I'm no longer sad that whatever happened is never going to happen again, and a lot of things have changed. I was at my happiest during those months, but I know I can be happier. :)
Don't worry, my autograph from back when I was in grade 3 said that the 8 year old Timee was planning to do this in the future---
 |
| How about you? What are your future plans? :) |
MOVING OUT
The old condo (aside from having too much memories chos) was wearing me out. It no longer had good energies, and it made me feel worthless chos. No really, I wanted a new home, a new routine, a new environment. Plus, I wanted to pay for the rent on my own. So consider this move as also becoming financially independent. hihi So I dragged my mattress and maletas to a concrete jungle in the middle of the metro. I remember saying I was never going to want to live in that area because of too much traffic, too many buildings and people and not much trees. But here I am, almost a month later, waking up to this view from the 30th floor every morning. So far, I'm loving it.
MAKING THE JUMP
"I need a break from teaching" I told my boss when I handed him my resignation letter. He then says "Do you need a month? a few weeks?" In general, my life needs a break. Though I'll miss the kids, the crying and the screaming, I want a new environment with adults older than 28, with more boys in the workplace (read: malandi haha) and late night hohols (hang out hang out langs) with officemtes ranting about how stressful our work is over a glass of Amaretto Sour. I also remember saying I will never work in the corporate setting, because desk jobs are just the end of me. But it turns out, I want it. For now. I want an Elle-Woods-meets-Miranda-Priestley kind of job, and I've been to interviews here and there, but I think I found the one--- or rather, it found me. Hopefully, this is it.
It will mean that I will have to be on hiatus from certain passions (huhu) for the longer work hours, heavier work loads and the pressure and stress. But it will also mean that I'm going to focus my efforts and energies on this, be better at what I can do employee-of-the-month-levels, and taking a bigger step closer towards my dreams. I made the jump, have you? :)
TIMEE 2.0
Excuse me, I don't mean to boast, but I'M DEYM PROUD of how much I've changed over the past few months. I started 150 lbs, and yesterday's weigh in revealed that I'm 38lbs lighter. I can't post a before and after pic just yet, because I promised I'll only do so when I've reached my goal weight. But I've been making healthier choices; eating fruits instead of ice cream, munching on carrot sticks instead of Cheetos, taking the stairs over the elevator, choosing to walk than take the trike, and drinking 6 liters of water everyday.
You can't tempt me with fries because that's not real potato, it's deep fried and it's loaded with so much calories and msg that makes it addictive. haha You can tell me "Ang sarap sarap kaya kumain!" and believe me, the healthy stuff I've been eating is also just as delicious. But more than anything, I will not and cannot trade the feeling of being lighter, being less tired and having more energy than the usual, and being able to cartwheel (yes, I can) over a slice of cake. A moment on your lips, forever on your hips.
You can't tell me I'm depriving or starving myself, going through this suicidal diet--- I'm not. I'm healthier. I bring around this inhaler that I used to puff at least 6 times a day (the maximum per day is only 2), and ever since, I haven't had a puff in 2-3 months. I am never going to choose a slab of lechon over that.
So if you ask me how I do it, think of your choices. It's easy, really. Dieting is hard. Choosing healthy is easy.
Naks, pwede na akong gumawa ng fitness empire. Char.
I haven't blogged in the past year, my avid fans and readers are dying to know what I have been up to. Just thought this was worthy of a post. :)
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