Misplaced

I am supposed to be overjoyed and jittery by now. In a few days, we officially open. My heart should be pounding with fear of falling off my blades, of not being able to do the turns and that jump. By now I should be ecstatic; I will be performing in that theater, where many legends from this industry have before me, where many legends started out the way I did, in that small space.

I am not ungrateful, though sometimes I think I am, and I sometimes hate myself for it. But I am thankful, overjoyed, fearful and ecstatic. I am all of these things, but there's more.

I know that my friends won't be able to share this big life event with me. First, I don't expect them to actually push through because the shows are sold out. After I found out about this, and the fancy tickets sold to the audience, I no longer prodded them to watch, as I have with my other shows. I don't usually message everyone to come see my shows, go out of my way to find complimentary tickets for them just to get their asses up to watch. I know the true friends will come see it, spend time and money for it, without me asking them to. But this one is different. This is my biggest production to date, and if there's one show I want everyone to see, it's this one. But because of the circumstances, I've accepted it already. I will just let this one go, let this big life event fleet by, without any of my loved ones watching it.

But I am severely touched by the friends who have actually contacted the producers for tickets, without me telling them to. Thank you. And just by that much, I feel your love. Thank you.

Maybe, I just feel more alone this time, going through all of this, alone. There are so much more feelings that came with me in this production, the usual set; self-esteem issues, insecurities, etc. All inside of my head. I know this is just in my mind, that I am to blame for whatever I am thinking or feeling. But there is added injury to the feeling of being left behind, of being forgotten.

Hayaan niyo nalang ako magtampo, dahil may karapatan ako sa mga damdamin ko. Hindi ko na susubukang ipadama sa ibang tao dahil ako lang naman ang may pakana nito, kaya ako na lamang ang dadanas nito. Pagkatapos ng lahat ng ito, papakawalan ko na lamang ito sa uniberso, ibabaon sa limot, gaya ng pagkalimot niyo sa akin. 

There, glad I got that out.