Maybe it's because I've taken an indefinite leave from what used to be my life goals and dreams. What do you do when your dreams don't feel like dreams anymore? When they now feel more like a chore you have to get over with just so you can have Ph.D attached to your name? When the thing you want most, does not necessarily equate to being happy? What then is the point of the dream?
Maybe it's because I've taken the road with no direction. Where am I now was never part of my life plans. In fact, I swore to myself I would never consider this path, not even for the money. But I've stuck it out for a year, behind a desk, in an 8-5 job succumbing to the "luxury" that this institution compensates me with. I am far from being a self-made woman, but I can say that I am much more financially comfortable than I was in my previous career. But what can money, something so temporary and dispensable, do for the intangible soul? It's an endless cycle, if you think money can buy happiness. Money buys you everything you want, but you'll want more, and there is always more than you cannot have. There is no finish line in this route.
Maybe it's because I AM living the dream, it just feels like I'm still working for it. The 5 years ago ME would have killed the ME now for saying this. 5 years ago, being part of this production and working for this company, was such a far-fetched dream. Today I am counting down to 6 more days before opening night, slightly less ecstatic/overwhelmed than what I expected. I am not ungrateful. I am still in disbelief that I am part of this, but right now, I'm too occupied in working on what else needs to be improved, in internalizing and getting myself in the zone, with 6 days before opening night. I am in, but I have to prove that I am good enough for this, that the producers and directors did not make a mistake with me, that my cast mates can rely on me, that I don't shame the company by being a mediocre performer, by putting on a good show for everyone. I am in, I made it; but the worth of "achieving the dream" is in how you "live the dream".
Maybe it's because, I don't know how else to say this; I am never alone, but I feel more lonely now. I know my friends are a message away, some are just 2 doors away from my desk, but lately, I haven't had time. I whatsapp them or see them, only to tell them I can't come to the sleepover or to meet up for late lunch because I have work or rehearsals. The other day we didn't have rehearsals, I had to do errands so I got off from work early. I decided to meet up with a friend, thinking I needed some social life in between, only to be drugged down by my anti-histamine over dinner and falling asleep while being driven home. I haven't even caught up with my siblings to ask them about school, ask my parents how they are, or how have lolo and lola been since I left. There's just enough time for work, rehearsals, and sleep. And I have come to point where I'd rather choose to sleep than go out to drink (I'll feel sleepy on my first drink), watch a movie (I've fallen asleep in the last 2 movies I've seen), go to sleepovers (where the actual sleeping is only 1/8 of the time), or travel (5 hour bus ride to the beach or 5 hours of sleep? You get the idea.) Sleeping, in my case, is such an "unrest". How timely and appropriate that the opening song of the production is entitled "Sa Panaginip Lang Ako Minamahal"
But then again, these are the wrong places to look for happiness.
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