I am supposed to be overjoyed and jittery by now. In a few days, we officially open. My heart should be pounding with fear of falling off my blades, of not being able to do the turns and that jump. By now I should be ecstatic; I will be performing in that theater, where many legends from this industry have before me, where many legends started out the way I did, in that small space.
I am not ungrateful, though sometimes I think I am, and I sometimes hate myself for it. But I am thankful, overjoyed, fearful and ecstatic. I am all of these things, but there's more.
I know that my friends won't be able to share this big life event with me. First, I don't expect them to actually push through because the shows are sold out. After I found out about this, and the fancy tickets sold to the audience, I no longer prodded them to watch, as I have with my other shows. I don't usually message everyone to come see my shows, go out of my way to find complimentary tickets for them just to get their asses up to watch. I know the true friends will come see it, spend time and money for it, without me asking them to. But this one is different. This is my biggest production to date, and if there's one show I want everyone to see, it's this one. But because of the circumstances, I've accepted it already. I will just let this one go, let this big life event fleet by, without any of my loved ones watching it.
But I am severely touched by the friends who have actually contacted the producers for tickets, without me telling them to. Thank you. And just by that much, I feel your love. Thank you.
Maybe, I just feel more alone this time, going through all of this, alone. There are so much more feelings that came with me in this production, the usual set; self-esteem issues, insecurities, etc. All inside of my head. I know this is just in my mind, that I am to blame for whatever I am thinking or feeling. But there is added injury to the feeling of being left behind, of being forgotten.
Hayaan niyo nalang ako magtampo, dahil may karapatan ako sa mga damdamin ko. Hindi ko na susubukang ipadama sa ibang tao dahil ako lang naman ang may pakana nito, kaya ako na lamang ang dadanas nito. Pagkatapos ng lahat ng ito, papakawalan ko na lamang ito sa uniberso, ibabaon sa limot, gaya ng pagkalimot niyo sa akin.
There, glad I got that out.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Sandosenang Sapatos
Here we go!
Sandosenang Sapatos runs from August 27-31, 2014 at the Tanghalang Huseng Batute, CCP. Contact Richard Nollen 09275111319 for tickets!
Finding happiness in the wrong places
I'm just going to say it. I've been unhappy discontented for the past few months.
Maybe it's because I've taken an indefinite leave from what used to be my life goals and dreams. What do you do when your dreams don't feel like dreams anymore? When they now feel more like a chore you have to get over with just so you can have Ph.D attached to your name? When the thing you want most, does not necessarily equate to being happy? What then is the point of the dream?
Maybe it's because I've taken the road with no direction. Where am I now was never part of my life plans. In fact, I swore to myself I would never consider this path, not even for the money. But I've stuck it out for a year, behind a desk, in an 8-5 job succumbing to the "luxury" that this institution compensates me with. I am far from being a self-made woman, but I can say that I am much more financially comfortable than I was in my previous career. But what can money, something so temporary and dispensable, do for the intangible soul? It's an endless cycle, if you think money can buy happiness. Money buys you everything you want, but you'll want more, and there is always more than you cannot have. There is no finish line in this route.
Maybe it's because I AM living the dream, it just feels like I'm still working for it. The 5 years ago ME would have killed the ME now for saying this. 5 years ago, being part of this production and working for this company, was such a far-fetched dream. Today I am counting down to 6 more days before opening night, slightly less ecstatic/overwhelmed than what I expected. I am not ungrateful. I am still in disbelief that I am part of this, but right now, I'm too occupied in working on what else needs to be improved, in internalizing and getting myself in the zone, with 6 days before opening night. I am in, but I have to prove that I am good enough for this, that the producers and directors did not make a mistake with me, that my cast mates can rely on me, that I don't shame the company by being a mediocre performer, by putting on a good show for everyone. I am in, I made it; but the worth of "achieving the dream" is in how you "live the dream".
Maybe it's because, I don't know how else to say this; I am never alone, but I feel more lonely now. I know my friends are a message away, some are just 2 doors away from my desk, but lately, I haven't had time. I whatsapp them or see them, only to tell them I can't come to the sleepover or to meet up for late lunch because I have work or rehearsals. The other day we didn't have rehearsals, I had to do errands so I got off from work early. I decided to meet up with a friend, thinking I needed some social life in between, only to be drugged down by my anti-histamine over dinner and falling asleep while being driven home. I haven't even caught up with my siblings to ask them about school, ask my parents how they are, or how have lolo and lola been since I left. There's just enough time for work, rehearsals, and sleep. And I have come to point where I'd rather choose to sleep than go out to drink (I'll feel sleepy on my first drink), watch a movie (I've fallen asleep in the last 2 movies I've seen), go to sleepovers (where the actual sleeping is only 1/8 of the time), or travel (5 hour bus ride to the beach or 5 hours of sleep? You get the idea.) Sleeping, in my case, is such an "unrest". How timely and appropriate that the opening song of the production is entitled "Sa Panaginip Lang Ako Minamahal"
But then again, these are the wrong places to look for happiness.
Maybe it's because I've taken an indefinite leave from what used to be my life goals and dreams. What do you do when your dreams don't feel like dreams anymore? When they now feel more like a chore you have to get over with just so you can have Ph.D attached to your name? When the thing you want most, does not necessarily equate to being happy? What then is the point of the dream?
Maybe it's because I've taken the road with no direction. Where am I now was never part of my life plans. In fact, I swore to myself I would never consider this path, not even for the money. But I've stuck it out for a year, behind a desk, in an 8-5 job succumbing to the "luxury" that this institution compensates me with. I am far from being a self-made woman, but I can say that I am much more financially comfortable than I was in my previous career. But what can money, something so temporary and dispensable, do for the intangible soul? It's an endless cycle, if you think money can buy happiness. Money buys you everything you want, but you'll want more, and there is always more than you cannot have. There is no finish line in this route.
Maybe it's because I AM living the dream, it just feels like I'm still working for it. The 5 years ago ME would have killed the ME now for saying this. 5 years ago, being part of this production and working for this company, was such a far-fetched dream. Today I am counting down to 6 more days before opening night, slightly less ecstatic/overwhelmed than what I expected. I am not ungrateful. I am still in disbelief that I am part of this, but right now, I'm too occupied in working on what else needs to be improved, in internalizing and getting myself in the zone, with 6 days before opening night. I am in, but I have to prove that I am good enough for this, that the producers and directors did not make a mistake with me, that my cast mates can rely on me, that I don't shame the company by being a mediocre performer, by putting on a good show for everyone. I am in, I made it; but the worth of "achieving the dream" is in how you "live the dream".
Maybe it's because, I don't know how else to say this; I am never alone, but I feel more lonely now. I know my friends are a message away, some are just 2 doors away from my desk, but lately, I haven't had time. I whatsapp them or see them, only to tell them I can't come to the sleepover or to meet up for late lunch because I have work or rehearsals. The other day we didn't have rehearsals, I had to do errands so I got off from work early. I decided to meet up with a friend, thinking I needed some social life in between, only to be drugged down by my anti-histamine over dinner and falling asleep while being driven home. I haven't even caught up with my siblings to ask them about school, ask my parents how they are, or how have lolo and lola been since I left. There's just enough time for work, rehearsals, and sleep. And I have come to point where I'd rather choose to sleep than go out to drink (I'll feel sleepy on my first drink), watch a movie (I've fallen asleep in the last 2 movies I've seen), go to sleepovers (where the actual sleeping is only 1/8 of the time), or travel (5 hour bus ride to the beach or 5 hours of sleep? You get the idea.) Sleeping, in my case, is such an "unrest". How timely and appropriate that the opening song of the production is entitled "Sa Panaginip Lang Ako Minamahal"
But then again, these are the wrong places to look for happiness.
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