I am so bored.
I don't understand how someone like me can be so bored. I remember saying that since April this year, and so far, these are the things that have happened over the past few months:
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| Our yearly thing with the biggest barkada ever: Timee & Gar Boracay 2014 |
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| I went home to Iloilo twice. |
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| Philippine Fashion Week. |
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| Months of TONTWO rehearsals. |
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| TONTWO: Making it. Moving on. |
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| Moving on from whatever feud and issues during Tontwo. :) |
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| Went to Cebu for work. Yes, work. |
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| But had some family time in between work in Cebu <3 td=""> |
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| Sandosenang Sapatos rehearsals. |
In my standards, that's not enough ganaps in the span of 4 months. What busy meant to me was 2-3 productions rolling in at the same time, work, papers and exams for gradschool (which I have taken a leave from). Sleep and rest were a luxury, and even sometimes finding the time to eat was such a task.
But now there's just so much time. Aside from binge watching Game of Thrones, I've started reading up some of the books I've put aside last year (but really, reading just puts me to sleep). I have also been eating a lot, which is indirectly proportional to the amount of times I've been working out. Oh, and other things I do not need to elaborate on. The things I've done these past few months to keep myself amused, I may not be proud of it, but I was bored, and those things were fun. So I did. Ho Ho ho.
And then, there's thinking. There's also so much time to overthink about what I've done so far with my life, and ending up with the realization that I am lost. I have lost the direction in which I was so sure of a few years ago. I've let go of some dreams because I've simply lost interest in them. Is that even possible? It's not giving up, is it? It's just that I don't think these dreams aren't my dreams anymore, and they've lost appeal to me. Now I feel like I'm stuck in the now, without any idea of what I want to happen to me in the next few years. I honestly have no idea what to do next. The future scares me. It's like having a deck of cards that totally don't make sense.
Ever since, I've always been so pumped about the future; getting myself into gradschool right after college, making a timeline of my life till 2020, eliminating all the distractions just to get my head in the game. I was always sure that I wanted to write a children's book, put up my own school, start a theater company for children with special needs, travel, etc. But since I've quit teaching, I have lost interest in these plans, and now I have none. No plans.
I think I am bored because there's nothing really to do, for the future, I mean. Nothing to prepare for, nothing to study hard for, nothing to work hard for (I intend on finding a rich old man to marry so I can perhaps inherit his wealth away from his legitimate children. Harhar), nothing to look forward to in the long term. I have these productions lined up, a trip to Bali on my birthday, (oh shit that's it) to look forward to---- but these things are only good for the next few months. 2015 is a blur. Might probably start applying for gradschools abroad, but applications don't start till late this year. Marvin, our manghuhula friend says I'll get pregnant in 2016 if I can't avoid it, eh, that's easy.
Maybe I've been so all worked out for the future, that I have forgotten what 'living in the now' meant. Enjoying what is happening now, without worrying about tomorrow. To stop planning, and just let things happen just as they are. Shit's scary, but whatever. This is all so cliche.
Is this quarter life crisis? Damnit I need a drink.
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