Break

"You are emotionally drained and exhausted. You need to take a break." My manghuhula friend tells me. I knew exactly what he was taking about.

I love Demi Lovato's "Give Your Heart A Break". It used to be my song for someone, but since he didn't let me, I decided to give mine a break. 

I'm accepting it; my heart is overly dependent. It will love anyone, "kahit ipis mamahalin natin" my writing mentor would say.  "Bukas ang tindahan natin sa kung sino man ang gustong kumain!" she goes on. We're that kind of people. That's why I think it's hard keeping ourselves from liking someone, because we like everyone, and we think everyone deserves the kind of love that we give. But not everyone is accepting of that love, and having to learn it over and over again, still, we continue to love. We never get tired of it even if we get hurt again and again, because what's even more terrifying than not being loved back, is the thought of not loving at all. 

"What am I going to do for the next few months???" I told my friends while bawling my eyes out over the phone, a few days after that heartbreak. I seriously did not know what to do, or what will happen next. It felt like there was nothing more and I could never love anyone again. I was that depressed and pathetic. Haha. But few months later, I found a crush (I decided to take it slow this time), but to cut the story short, my crush didn't like me back. I'm not as devastated, or depressed, or pathetic. More like bummed at myself for still having the energy to get back on the field. Because I go through the usual phases after a heartbreak: questioning my existential being and my self-worth, the maybe-i'm-not-pretty-at-all and the i-hate-my-crush-who-does-he-think-he-is phases, like I haven't gone through them before. I get over those phases by finding someone else, and for some reason it never works out, so I go through the heartbreak again. My heart is a fighter, I know, but I think, my brain thinks my heart, this time, seriously needs a break. 

My manghuhula friend goes on, saying that this is the perfect time for me to set my plans straight, and seriously start picking up everything I've been putting off. I had this timeline before, that by 2014, I'd be done with my first masters degree and I'd be off to Australia or Europe to take my second MA degree or my PhD. But look at me, on a sembreak, from my second semester, with roughly 3 more years to go till I complete my degree. I also said that by this time, I would have at least published a children's book. Here's what I made years ago:

I never even started processing my documents for NYU. I haven't found a hot guy to marry.
I am faaar from starting that theater company. 

SCHOOL OF INTERIOR DESIGN. Where/how did that happen. And nope, no license until now. HAHA

This is proof that you just have to let life happen. 

I did not plan on working a desk job, and the several plays I was in for the past 2 years was not in my timeline. I do not regret any because the past 2 years were AWESOME. But now is the perfect time to fill up that application form, pass that toefl test, get things running. No timeline this time; my mantra is to just get things done, and stop putting things off. 

My manghuhula friend advises me to not engage in any relationships while I fix my life, because eventually I'd have to choose, and I will choose love. For people like me, yes, love! But I do not plan on shutting love out of my life, because that's just not who I am. I am on a break to fix my life, but if love happens, I will let it happen.

But for now, let me give time for my life because it has been put on old for too long.