dreamt

of you three nights in a row and that has never happened to me. A few days ago I've decided to go back to my life and continue living it. It's not going to stop just because it's on pause. I just had to hit play, and leave that episode there. I've decided to put you at the back of my mind, not think of you and get on with my life. But I just seem to miss you, really. Passive missing. I don't even know what that means.

I'm hearing about people getting married, having children and building families, and i'm wondering if that will ever happen to me. I've always been sure of that it will be you in the end. That's why i'm not worried. And it looks like I've got it all planned; i know what flowers to get for my wedding day, I'm sure we're dancing to All I Ask of You from the Phantom of the Opera for our first dance, i know that i'll be a full time mommy for the first 2 years of our baby, and then send him/her to this school when he/she turns 3 and a half. I know where to buy our furniture, I know what color palette our house is going to be, I know the kind of tiles we're getting for our bathroom, I already know how to work out our finances, I know what we're going to do on 10th Wedding Anniversary, I know what dishes to learn to cook when we get together, I know what car we will be driving together to Tagaytay on random nights, I know how to make you feel better after a long day's work, I already know what to do in case you have to work out of town or the country, I know what to surprise you with when you come back home after that trip.

I just don't know if it's really you in the end.

I don't know if I even want all of it like this, because I don't want the rest of my life to be planned out like it's some project, and that I have to follow steps on how to keep it all alive. I want the rest of my life to surprise me as it unfolds.

I don't want to keep doing this anymore. I don't know if I want this anymore.