That the time apart has done us good. Of course, I'm biased. I WILL say a lot about how letting go helped me get myself back (no, I don't mean to say that I lost myself back there. Let's just say, I just needed to be on my own to learn how to swim again)
What I really want to say is that I'm happy for you nd how much you better you sound, look and feel right now. There's a much more positive aura about you, and that's a good thing. That's great.
I'm happy for you. I hope you continue to find happiness and strength in whatever you plan to do. :)
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Friday, August 2, 2013
On Learning To Be Single
Yuck ang yabang eh no. Truth be told, I haven't been in a socially-labeled relationship in so long, I feel like I'm an expert in labo labo lang relationships. Chos.
That thin line between knowing you're friends, but you do things that 'just friends' don't do, and you don't really know what you're feeling or what he's feeling, and that state of uncertainty is both exciting and perplexing at the same time, you know you're friends, the last time you checked and you overthink and you want to clear it out but you're having fun and you don't want to change any of that so you're like, whatever, i'm freefalling into the unknown, and you don't want to think of what you're doing, what's going to welcome you when you reach the bottom of the pit and what's going to happen, because at that very moment, because every moment makes you happy and that's what's important right? Being happy? And it goes on and on until you realize you're almost down there, and the uncertainty scares you so you try ways to get out of it and save yourself but it's too late. You've forgotten yourself. You've made it everything about this one person, whom you weren't so sure of, what you were or what you both had, but were so sure that this is what you wanted. And what about you? Did he do the freefall with you? Did you jump together? You did this on your own, and yet, it wasn't about you.
I picked myself up. For the past 5 months or so, I picked up the pieces that I let myself scatter all over for something I wasn't and was so sure of. Enough of the unknown. This time I wanted to know for sure where I was going, to be able to do things because I wanted to, and feel things not because of anyone else's feelings, but to feel because these feelings are mine. I wanted to go for my dreams without thinking of how someone else's dreams would fit into my schedule. This is not your fault. No one told me to do these things, but I did because I wanted to. I wanted this. More than anything, I wanted you to be happy.
But I decided it was time to want for my own happiness. It was time for me to go home alone, to get sick and take care of myself, to get a real driving instructor and not hear your voice in my head stressing about the way I get past a hump, to think of getting back to my graduate studies, to quit my job because it was no longer making me grow, to start caring for myself. Because I was never sure if you cared as much as I did for you, so I decided that there was no one better to care for me than myself. It was time. I decided. I'm sorry that it happened that way. And maybe I'm again overthinking all this, but these are my thoughts. I am entitled to them. Let me have them.
And I know we talked, but please don't blame yourself for anything that happened because those months were my happiest. I will never want to take back anything because whatever that was, it was special and I was happy. I will forever be thankful for you.
I'm slowly learning to be 'on my own' now. To go about my life with just me. There will be more moments of me getting extremely angry at you for never asking why, for never asking what happened, more glasses of bubblegum orgy + mountain dew with friends, more ugly crying over ice cream and 'One More Chance' or bitter status posts. If i have to be pathetic, so be it. Just leave me to myself. I want to be okay on my own, without having to "replace" you or displace my feelings with someone I'm trying to convince myself I have a crush on. I want to be okay without pretending that i'm strong and I'm fine because I'm not. Yet. I want to be okay. I'm not sure when, but I know I will be. I will be.
I will be okay. I hope you're doing well. I know you are. :)
That thin line between knowing you're friends, but you do things that 'just friends' don't do, and you don't really know what you're feeling or what he's feeling, and that state of uncertainty is both exciting and perplexing at the same time, you know you're friends, the last time you checked and you overthink and you want to clear it out but you're having fun and you don't want to change any of that so you're like, whatever, i'm freefalling into the unknown, and you don't want to think of what you're doing, what's going to welcome you when you reach the bottom of the pit and what's going to happen, because at that very moment, because every moment makes you happy and that's what's important right? Being happy? And it goes on and on until you realize you're almost down there, and the uncertainty scares you so you try ways to get out of it and save yourself but it's too late. You've forgotten yourself. You've made it everything about this one person, whom you weren't so sure of, what you were or what you both had, but were so sure that this is what you wanted. And what about you? Did he do the freefall with you? Did you jump together? You did this on your own, and yet, it wasn't about you.
I picked myself up. For the past 5 months or so, I picked up the pieces that I let myself scatter all over for something I wasn't and was so sure of. Enough of the unknown. This time I wanted to know for sure where I was going, to be able to do things because I wanted to, and feel things not because of anyone else's feelings, but to feel because these feelings are mine. I wanted to go for my dreams without thinking of how someone else's dreams would fit into my schedule. This is not your fault. No one told me to do these things, but I did because I wanted to. I wanted this. More than anything, I wanted you to be happy.
But I decided it was time to want for my own happiness. It was time for me to go home alone, to get sick and take care of myself, to get a real driving instructor and not hear your voice in my head stressing about the way I get past a hump, to think of getting back to my graduate studies, to quit my job because it was no longer making me grow, to start caring for myself. Because I was never sure if you cared as much as I did for you, so I decided that there was no one better to care for me than myself. It was time. I decided. I'm sorry that it happened that way. And maybe I'm again overthinking all this, but these are my thoughts. I am entitled to them. Let me have them.
And I know we talked, but please don't blame yourself for anything that happened because those months were my happiest. I will never want to take back anything because whatever that was, it was special and I was happy. I will forever be thankful for you.
I'm slowly learning to be 'on my own' now. To go about my life with just me. There will be more moments of me getting extremely angry at you for never asking why, for never asking what happened, more glasses of bubblegum orgy + mountain dew with friends, more ugly crying over ice cream and 'One More Chance' or bitter status posts. If i have to be pathetic, so be it. Just leave me to myself. I want to be okay on my own, without having to "replace" you or displace my feelings with someone I'm trying to convince myself I have a crush on. I want to be okay without pretending that i'm strong and I'm fine because I'm not. Yet. I want to be okay. I'm not sure when, but I know I will be. I will be.
I will be okay. I hope you're doing well. I know you are. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)