I'm handling this better than I expected. I'm not okay, I won't pretend that I am, but I know that I will be, and that's something I can hold on to. I've decided not to put those walls up, like I always do, because I have to go through this. If it means I'll ugly cry over a sad movie and a tub of ice cream with friends at a sleepover, I will go through it. Even if it means listening to every sad song until my tears dry out, I will go through all the cliche activities until I get tired of it. One thing I'll never do though, is lose myself. I am thankful that I had my mind conquer this right from the very start, and did not lose all of me in the process, because right now, after all this has happened, I still feel whole, like I haven't lost anything at all. I will not avoid conversations about this, I will not pretend like it has not happened at all, I will cry if I want to, I will go through it because it is worth it. I've been waiting for this moment for a very, very long time, and I want to grasp every moment of it. Because in the future, when I'm really okay, I won't have to look back because I have not missed a step in this process. So the walls that I've used to put up before, they're down. I will take anything. I will let the pain consume me. I will let this hurt me like it's supposed to.
If anything, all this is only going to make me stronger.
